The Daring Deal Breakers
by DealBreakersAuthor
Summary: Six fans dressed as their favorite characters, Hermoine Granger, Edward Cullen, Buffy Summers, Castiel, Arwen Undomiel and Sherlock Holmes, fight the forces of darkness one celebrity at a time.
1. The Devil

"Just ten more minutes. I'm about to re-spawn," said Claire in her charming British accent. She stood at the end of a row of other, equally intense, players. It was a demo, and a good one. Claire had moved to LA from England the year before. This was her first Comic-Con. She had spent all summer learning to sew so she could wear a perfectly accurate Hogwarts uniform to her first convention.

"We want to find good seats," Reagan insisted, hands on hips. She wore a black tank top and red leather pants, wooden stake in hand.

"Your highness," said a nasal voice from behind the girls. They turned around. Several hobbits were bowing to their friend Alicia. Alicia was six feet tall and dressed as Arwen Undómiel, Elvish Princess from The Lord of the Rings. She was hard to miss.

Alicia curtsied and the hobbits scampered off, happily.

"That's so unfair," said Claire. "Why do you always get 'your highness,' and I always get "I'll Dumbledore your Harry Potter?"

"We don't have time for this," said Reagan.

Claire sighed as she set down the controller. The three friends rushed to the lecture hall, flashed their tickets and slipped in.

"Where shall we sit?" asked Alicia, sweetly, as she asked everything.

Reagan scanned the room.

"There!" said Reagan.

Before the others could argue, Reagan had slipped into the back row next to a good-looking, older guy in a trench coat. Her hand was immediately on his forearm, her lips in his ear, whispering.

The man looked Reagan over after she had accosted him. His brow knitted but he was clearly doing his best to humor her. The other two girls rolled their eyes and sat down next to Reagan.

A moment later and two other guys, John and Gene, slid into the empty seats next to Conner.

Gene was 17, thin, 6'2", in a Deerstalker Cap and Inverness Cape, a pipe hanging from his lips, unlit.

John wore a gray coat and a pretty convincing Edward Cullen haircut. John and Gene had been best friends since kindergarten. John treated Gene more like a sidekick than a friend but, deep down, he'd take a bullet for Gene.

"Just in time," said Conner, loosening his already loose tie.

"John Kirkpatrick?" cried Reagan in disgust.

"Reagan Vix?" said John, astonished.

Reagan was horrified.

"If you tell anyone you saw me here, you're dead!" she exclaimed. "And if you tell anyone I dress like Buffy, I'll kill you again!"

"Ah, Buffy! Of course," said John.

Gene looked over at the girls.

"Buffy Summers, Hermione Granger, and Arwen Undómiel," said Gene.

"Wow," said Reagan, dryly, "you really are a deductive genius. My turn. Sherlock Holmes, Zoolander, creepy flasher dude."

Conner's brow knitted tighter as he looked over at Reagan.

"Not that I wouldn't like a peak under that trench coat," said Reagan with a wink.

"How old are you?" said Conner.

"Seventeen," said Reagan, "but I like older guys."

"I'm thirty-one," said Conner.

"God!" Reagan shrieked, "You're old!"

Conner rolled his eyes. A moment later and the emcee took the stage.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he announced with a squeal from the speakers. Unfortunately, Adam Baldwin has called in at the last minute and is unable to make it, but the rest of the Firefly cast is here as advertised. Please, give it up for Captain Malcolm Reynolds…"

"No!" shouted the entire back row.

"We were pretty much just here to see Adam Baldwin," said Hermione.

John turned to the girls, "Us too. Do you guys want to get out of here?"

The girls nodded and they all snuck out of the lecture hall.

"You know what, guys," said Conner, "we really should get going, actually. It was nice meeting you girls."

"Wait," said Reagan, "I don't even know your name."

"Conner Kirkpatrick," said Conner.

"He's dressed as Castiel," said John.

"Castiel!" exclaimed all three girls.

"That's cool," said Reagan, having regained her composure, "We, uh… we think Castiel is pretty cool."

"Thanks," said Conner. "Edward Cullen here is my little brother, John Kirkpatrick, whom I guess you know, and Holmes there is his best buddy, Gene Pendleton, whom I assume you also know."

"Edward Cullen?" said Reagan with a chuckle. "You are moody I guess. Wait… is that why your hair's always like that? That's hilarious. Well, I'm Reagan Vix…"

"I can't believe the hottest girl in school dresses up like Buffy," said John.

Reagan's eyes darted over. John could feel them piercing into him.

"Was that out loud?"

"Don't be alarmed, my dear," said Gene, "It only makes you more attractive."

"To nerds!" said Reagan.

The boys nodded.

"Anyway," Reagan continued, "I'm Reagan Vix, Hermione here is Claire Peterson, and Princess Arwen is Alicia Wesson. Alicia and I have been friends for years. Claire is Alicia's friend, but I like her. The English accent is pretty cool."

"Charming," said Claire.

"Anyway," said Reagan, "where are you three going?"

"I was thinking we should get some rest for tomorrow," said Conner. "We're going to be getting up pretty early for a Sherlock Holmes workshop Gene really wants to go to."

"What hotel are you guys staying at?" asked Claire.

"Well, actually, we didn't book a hotel," said John.

"Staying with friends?" said Claire.

"No, no. We, uh…"

"We're camping in a cemetery," said Conner.

The girls' jaws dropped.

"Gene read that there is a very haunted, rather poorly guarded cemetery just outside of town. We all thought it would be fun if we stayed there."

"That is awesome!" shouted Reagan. "We're totally staying with you guys!"

"What? No we're not!" Claire declared, pulling Reagan aside.

"Claire, if we stay in the cemetery, you can cuddle up to Edward Cullen," argued Reagan.

"John? I don't like John. I kind of like Castiel, though."

"Ugh, fine. I'll let you have one side of him."

Claire's angered face froze, then lightened. "Good."

"I didn't say I was cool with this," said Alicia.

Reagan looked at Alicia, perturbed.

"Oh, fine," said Alicia.

Reagan turned to the boys. "I'm riding with you guys. Cool?"

John and Gene turned to each other, surprised and thrilled. Conner sighed.

The cars pulled up to the side of the road, the engines shut off, and they all got out. The cemetery was covered in a thick mist that they hadn't noticed anywhere else in San Diego that night. Everything was eerily quiet, as if they'd driven into the mountains in the middle of winter. The only sound was the crunch of the gravel beneath their feet as the girls grabbed their sleeping bags.

The group was soon following Conner to the campsite. The guys wielded flashlights, the girls, iPhones. The girls' lights were brighter.

"You have a little stove and everything!" said Claire, now a bit excited.

"I went camping a lot as a kid," said Conner. "Since we can't light a fire, I figured we could at least roast marshmallows over the propane stove."

"Oh, that's so cute," said Reagan.

"So the thirty-one years old thing hasn't put you off?"

"I'm over it," said Reagan.

Conner sighed and shook his head.

The girls rolled their sleeping bags out and the guys prepared for making s'mores.

"Let's go vampire hunting!" said Reagan, tugging at Conner's coat.

"What?" said Conner, annoyed.

"That's so freaking hot," said John.

Reagan glared at John.

"That was out loud again, wasn't it?"

"Come on," said Reagan to Conner. "I promise it'll be, like, super fun."

"You know vampires aren't real, right?" said Conner.

"Maybe they are. Maybe they aren't," said Reagan. "We'll never know unless we go hunting."

"Yeah, okay," said Conner. "Might be kind of fun. Who's in?"

No one else was interested. Conner looked over at Reagan who was smiling, waiting.

"Fine," said Conner.

Conner walked to Alicia and picked up her bow and arrows.

"Mind if I borrow these?"

"You're Castiel," said Alicia. "Can't you just touch a vampire and he'll burn away?"

"This is true," said Conner, and he set the bow and arrows down.

A few moments later, Conner and Reagan were walking through the cemetery, out of sight of the others.

"It's so foggy," said Conner. "It's shocking."

"Yep," said Reagan.  
They walked a little further in silence.

"You don't seem to be looking very hard for vampires," said Conner.

"Nope," said Reagan.

"Where's your stake?"

"Left it at camp."

Conner stopped.

"Left it at camp? How are you going to kill vampires? I guess we should go back."

Reagan jumped up onto a waist-high family monument.

"Like you said, vampires aren't real," she said as she paced atop the giant slab of granite.

Conner was exasperated.

"Come on, Reagan. Let's get back."

Casually, Reagan walked to the edge of the monument, turned around, and back-flipped off, onto the ground below.

Conner couldn't help but be impressed. He smiled.

"Okay, that was kind of amazing," he said.

"Head cheerleader," Reagan shrugged. "You've got to be agile."

Reagan advanced on Conner, seductively.

"You also have to be very limber. Not to mention... perky."

Reagan took Conner's tie and drew him toward her, putting her lips against his.

Conner's eyes widened, his heart raced. This was not acceptable. Before he could push her away, though, they heard voices, and Reagan pulled away from him.

"What's that?" she whispered.

Conner shushed her as he wiped her lipstick from his mouth.

"Don't ever do that again," whispered Conner.

"What? Kiss you?"

"Yes."

"You didn't like it?"

"That's not the point," said Conner.

Reagan grabbed Conner's arm and crept off toward the voices. It soon became clear that it was two men, haggling. Conner lead Reagan around a small mausoleum and the two peered around, spying the two men. They were in business suits. One was disheveled, the other, perfectly kempt.

They strained to hear the men, when suddenly a hand grabbed hold of Reagan's shoulder. Her heart jumped and she swung around. It was Claire. The rest of the gang was with her.

"What are you doing here?" Reagan whispered, angrily.

"We got scared," said Claire.

"There are four of you and two of us," said Reagan.

Claire looked over to John.

"We don't have an answer for that," said John.

"Well, keep quiet," said Reagan. "These two guys are in the middle of the cemetery making a deal and I'm trying to eavesdrop."

"Whoa! Creepy!" said Alicia.

"Right?" said Reagan. "Now shush."

"…and you agree to forfeit your soul at the end of your life," said the well-kempt man, "no less than seven years from the day, no more than forty, and the death must not be directly nor indirectly caused by me."

The gang pulled back from the edge of the mausoleum.

"I'm I hearing what I think I'm hearing?" said Claire.

"This has got to be a Comic-Con thing," said John.

"Should we walk up to them or something?" said Alicia.

The rest of the gang looked over at her in disbelief.

"Well, I wasn't thinking me, personally," said Alicia.

The gang moved back into eavesdropping position, but by now the disheveled man was scurrying off into the mist and the well-kempt man was gone. The gang all pulled away from the edge again and let out a deep sigh. But as they turned around, they saw, standing before them, the well-kempt man.

The gang all screamed (even Conner).

"Good evening," said the well-kempt man. "I noticed you all approaching whilst I was in the midst of my negotiation. And now you have all seen something of the other world, a glimpse of that which men are never meant to see. The question is, what shall I do about it."

The well-kempt man pondered his own question a moment while the group stood by, silently, in fear and awe.

"You're all far to pure to dispose of, your souls will all be lost to me," said the well-kempt man. "Even the pedophile has a clear conscience. How very disappointing."

Conner looked side to side, suddenly feeling quite guilty.

The well-kempt man thought about it again.

"I know," he said, finally. "For your infraction you shall, from this day forth, walk the earth, privy to all supernatural goings on. You shall see, and hear, and smell, and feel all things that ordinary men cannot, that which goes on every day, but they you do not naturally perceive. Yes. This is the consequence. You should all find yourselves in my company soon enough, I suspect."

The well-kempt man then laughed, and dissolved into smoke.

The gang screamed, again (even Conner).

A few weeks later, the gang met at Bar Marmont. They had each witnessed small supernatural phenomenon since that night in the cemetery, oddities, things to make them question their own sanity.

As Gene was addressing the group, the music slowed. So did the waiters. Soon all was silent, frozen. The gang rose from their chairs, astonished. They walked around the place. Everything was fixed in time; a beer being poured, the flames in the candles, everything. Outside the hotel, every car was stopped. Ambulance lights were frozen.

"Have any of you ever seen anything like this?" asked Claire.  
They hadn't. It was fascinating and terrifying. And they had no idea what to do. Conner gazed out at a perfectly still Sunset Strip.

"Oh, boy."


	2. Ryan Seacrest

Several weeks passed after Comic-con. Conner had gone back to work the office, developing several ad campaigns. Mainly he worked with Volkswagen and McDonald's. Life was good.

Occasionally, though, a client would come in, his face crawling with maggots. Or a witch would fly by his office building on a broom. Some of the things Conner saw, no man should ever see. At times, he thought he was going mad. He questioned whether the events in the cemetery had ever happened or if he'd just imagined them. Conner often wanted to pick up the phone and call John to discuss what happened, to be sure he hadn't dreamed it all, but he couldn't bring himself to pick up the phone.

Finally, though, one afternoon, a call came for him. It was John. He wanted to meet.

Conner grabbed up the trench coat, loosened his tie, and told the secretary he'd be out for the rest of the day.

At Conner's insistence, they all met at Bar Marmont, a ritzy restaurant inside Chateau Marmont, a hotel modeled after a French Castle at the foot of the Hollywood Hills. The gang was all dressed something like their characters, but they'd toned it down since Comic-Con. Alicia had a tactful bit of head jewelry. Claire had on a Hermione-esque wardrobe that did not include any Hogwarts accoutrement. Reagan, Conner and John were dressed exactly as their characters again, as they wouldn't necessarily be taken for dressing up, and Gene was dressed something like a stereotypical college professor from the 1950s.

At the table, the gang sipped cappuccinos.

"The bizarre thing is that no one else seemed to notice the little buggers," said Claire. "The hideous little things were everywhere. They were going around hiding stuff, spilling drinks, shutting down people's laptops, just generally ruining people's day. Why would they do that? I saw one stab a man in the knee. He bloody stabbed him! Nasty little things. I used to like fairies!"

"I'm pretty sure I saw an actual vampire," said Reagan. "I went for my stake, but I realized I didn't have it with me. I was at the mall. I never thought I'd actually be in a position to use the thing. I grabbed some chopsticks from Panda Express but, when I turned, around he was gone. I waited for him at Hot Topic, but he never showed.

"I'm not sure you should be stabbing people with stakes," said John. "Even if it was a real vampire, you're not actually Buffy. It would just kill you."

"I'm just glad I'm not the only one seeing things," said Conner. "I was starting to question my sanity."

"I say we have these meetings weekly," said John. "Keep ourselves sane. Maybe figure out what to do about our situation."

"What can we possibly do?" said Alicia. "I have seen things that I'll never forget, crazy, disturbing, disgusting things. But we're just ordinary people. We can't do anything. We're now part of a world we don't belong in, and we can't get out. I wish we'd never gone to stupid Comic-Con."

"Whoa!" said the rest of the group at once.

"Don't say that," said John. "That's just crazy talk."

"We're part of this world now, whether we like it or not," said Claire. "Therefore, we do belong. We just have to think about it like that. We just have to find our niche. Figure out where we stand."

"We can't assume these things are out to get us, though, Reagan," said Conner.

"Yeah," said John. "No attacking vampires or anything like that."

"That's right," said Claire. "We've not yet been attacked. Maybe the supernatural has no real interest in us."

"Perhaps," said Gene, "but I suspect they might have interest if they knew…"

Gene was stopped by the music in the restaurant. It had slowed, as did the waiters. Soon all was silent, frozen. The gang rose from their chairs, astonished. They walked around the place. Everything was fixed in time; a beer being poured, the flames in the candles, everything. Gene noticed that on one patron's iPhone, CNN was streaming. It was the only thing working in regular time.

Conner threw some money on the table and the gang walked out of restaurant. The rest of the hotel was in the same state as the restaurant. They walked out onto the steep, small road that wrapped around the hotel, and then onto Sunset Blvd. Every car was stopped. Ambulance lights were frozen.

"Oh, boy," said Conner.

"Have any of you ever seen anything like this?" asked Claire, wand drawn.

"Is that wand going to do anything?" said John.

"It's comforting me," said Claire.

"I've never seen anything like this," said Conner. "This is a much bigger thing than the other stuff I've noticed. Less disturbing, but definitely bigger."

"Is it because we're all together maybe?" said Alicia.

"Possible," said Gene, "but unlikely. We are merely observers of supernatural phenomenon. We do not influence it or attract it, as far as I understand."

Conner, John and Reagan walked out into the frozen traffic.

"I'd step back from there," said Gene. "We don't know when time will return to normal, assuming that it will."

Conner, John and Reagan stepped back onto the sidewalk. A moment later and time began speeding up. Soon people were flying by them, almost too fast to see. Some were staring at them, as if they were frozen, waving their hands before their faces and laughing, curiously. Finally, time slowed again and regained normal speed.

"Temporal disturbance," said Gene. "This happens a lot."

The others look at Gene, confused.

"In Star Trek," said Gene. "It happens a lot in Star Trek."

"Come on," said Conner. "I'm getting you guys home."

The gang jumped in their various cars and followed Conner, in his XKR-S, toward Coldwater Canyon. They were heading to the valley.

As they passed La Cienega there was another temporal disturbance. They weaved through the traffic frozen all along the Sunset Strip. Time regained at Beverly Blvd. They turned and traveled up toward the valley. As they ascended the Hollywood Hills, the disturbances became worse. Soon, time would freeze and fast-forward constantly. As they approached Mulholland, the disturbances eased off a little. Conner pulled off onto a side street, as they had really messed up traffic at this point, and got out of the car. The others followed.

"I need to do something about this," said Conner. "You guys wait here."

"What are you talking about?" said John. "You're going to fix time?"

"I know one thing," said Conner. "Whatever's causing this is at the bottom of this hill. Right after we got on Coldwater here, time went crazy. It's better here. If I go back, I'll find the source."

"We must assume," said Gene, "that whatever's causing this is incredibly powerful. If we go looking for the source, you're sure to die."

"I'm in," said Claire, wielding her want again.

"I'm in too," said John, his eyes peering out under his eyebrows in a very moody, Edward sort of way.

"You know _I'm_ in," said Reagan.

"No," said Conner. "None of you are in. I'm doing this alone. Like Gene said, whoever goes in there will probably be killed."

"You realize that this argument is pointless," said John. "Even if you win, two minutes after you get in your car and head down that hill, we're going to get in our cars and head down that hill after you."

Conner stared at the gang a moment. They were clearly determined.

"Fine," said Conner. "Let's go."

"Perhaps Gene and I should wait here," said Alicia nervously, "in case you need to be rescued."

"It would probably be more sensible if we went with them," said Gene. "In case _we _need rescuing."

"Good point," said Alicia.

They paired up and only took three cars this time. Reagan rode with Conner, of course, Claire rode with John, despite a mild objection, and Alicia rode with Gene.

They pulled up to a gate at Cabrillo Dr. The temporal fluctuations were constant and inconsistent. Time would freeze, sometimes for a second, sometimes for twenty seconds. Then it would speed up and freeze again. It was, at no point, true time.

Conner examined the gate. There were cameras and laser sensors everywhere. He examined the mechanism to open it.

"We can't climb over," he said, "and I can't figure a way to get this gate open. And even if I could, if time sped up again, it might crush us."

"We can climb over," said Gene. "We have to wait for time to stop. The lasers won't sense us. The cameras won't see us. We exist out of time in those moments. We shall be fine."

Conner turned to Gene, nodded, and started to climb. The rest of the gang followed. Awkwardly, Gene attempted to assist Alicia. Eventually, Reagan had to come over and help out.

Once on the grounds, getting into the house was relatively easy. Several windows and doors were open. The place was huge, a compound. They made their way to the foyer. Gene immediately went for the small pile of mail near the door.

"Ryan Seacrest," he said.

The gang exchanged curious glances.

"Really?" said Claire, astonished.

She walked over and took up the mail. His name was stamped right on the cover of the Cosmopolitan magazine.

"It is," she said. "Ryan Seacrest."

She passed the letters around for the others to see.

"So, does this mean Ryan Seacrest is some kind of evil monster from the dark recesses of Hell?" asked Reagan.

"Well isn't that just a given?" said John.

They all laughed.

"Let's not jump to any conclusions," said Conner. "Let's just find him and see what's going on."

The gang moved forward slowly, deeper into the house, not sure what or whom they might encounter. They opened this door and that, always expecting something horrible to be behind, but there never was. Eventually, they grew bolder, throwing open doors, and strolling casually. Still, no one steered too far from the group, always on the same floor, never more than two rooms apart.

In the west wing of the house, John and Claire stepped into a vast, elaborately decorated library. Claire was thrilled.

"Oh, John," she exclaimed. "I do love books."

John did not love books, but he loved that Claire was squeezing his arm just then. A moment later and Claire was climbing up the shelves, scanning through the volumes. John amused himself by making the statuettes on the fireplace talk to each other.

Eventually, the others found that they were missing and went back for them.

"What are you two doing?" said Conner. "You decide to just take a break."

"Look at this library," said Claire. "I haven't seen the likes of it since England. We should make this our secret headquarters."

"Yeah, that makes sense," said Conner. "Hey, Mr. Seacrest. I know you don't know us, but we'd like to make your library our secret headquarters. We see supernatural stuff and have no need for a headquarters, not to mention a secret one, but we still want to make this our secret headquarters."

"Well, you don't have to be wicked about it," said Claire, a bit sad.

"Sorry," said Conner. "I'm just frustrated…"

Gene tapped Conner on the shoulder.

"What is it?"

Gene pointed to the desk. Conner swung around. The large chair was turned away from them, but they could see a hand gripping the arm. Smoke rose from behind the high back. The rest of the gang gathered around Conner.

"Mr. Seacrest?" Reagan called out.

The chair swiveled around. The gang all stepped back. But it wasn't Ryan Seacrest. It was Adam Baldwin.

"Adam Baldwin?" the gang all exclaimed at once.

"Hey," said Adam Baldwin.

Smoke streamed from the cigar clamped between Adam Baldwin's teeth.

"I'm a huge fan!" said John.

Conner hit him in the chest.

"We're all big fans," said Conner. "What are you doing here?"

"I should ask you the same thing," said Adam Baldwin. "Furthermore, why aren't you affected by all this time shifting mumbo jumbo?"

"Temportal disturbances" said Gene.

Adam Baldwin stared at Gene a moment.

"Whatever."

"Why aren't you affected?" said Conner.

"Asked you first," said Adam Baldwin.

The gang all looked to each other, each hoping someone else would explain.

"We're in Ryan Seacrest's house investigating temporal disturbances," said Adam Baldwin. "This is no time to be bashful."

"We were in a cemetery," said John, "and we saw someone sell his soul to The Devil. The Devil then gave us the power to see the supernatural in the world. So here we are."

Adam Baldwin nodded.

"Did you see The Devil?" asked Claire.

Adam Baldwin just stared at Claire a moment with his steely-eyed Adam Baldwin gaze as he adjusted his cigar.

"On the set of Full Metal Jacket there was this slick salesmen type. He kept finding people when they were alone I noticed. He was buddying up to Kubrick a lot. Apparently, they were old friends. Anyway, he found me off by myself one day having a cigarette outside the barracks. He proposed a deal. He said he could make me famous if I gave up my soul at the end of my life. I punched him square in the face."

The gang's eyes all went wide. Sounds of astonishment echoed through the library.

"The Devil crumpled to the ground like a new born foal. He screamed, 'You'll pay for this!' and then he vanished. He really said that. He really said, 'You'll pay for this.' It was pathetic. I've been able to see the supernatural ever since."

The gang's jaws all hung open.

"So, just to make sure, what are you guys here for, really?" said Adam Baldwin, relighting the cigar.

"We don't exactly know," said Gene. "Conner, here, thought we should follow the temporal disturbances to their source. We had no knowledge of what we might find once we got here."

Adam Baldwin nodded again.

"Go home, kids. Leave this one to the professionals."

"Whoa, wait a second," said Conner. "Granted, it was very little work getting here. But it was kind of scary, and we really want to know what's causing this. I mean, how would you like to go through the rest of your life seeing all this weird stuff happening and not knowing why or what to do about it. We came here for a reason, and we're not leaving until we figure out what that reason is."

This didn't sound particularly convincing, even to Conner. But it worked.

"Fine," said Adam Baldwin. "You're after this."

Adam Baldwin unrolled a parchment and laid it across the table.

"This is a devil's contract, signed by one Mr. Ryan Seacrest in 2001," said Adam Baldwin.

"Let me see that," said Reagan, nudging Adam Baldwin to one side. "That is such a shame. I listen to his radio show every morning. Such a shame."

"What did he get in return for his soul?" asked Claire. "Fame and fortune?"

"Never have to sleep again," said Adam Baldwin.

"That makes sense," said Conner.

The rest of the group nodded.

"When someone's contract is about to expire they create a sort of vortex," said Adam Baldwin, supernatural energy is attracted to them. All kinds of weird stuff can happen. It's usually related in some way to the deal laid out in the contract. In this case, Seacrest messed with time, so now things are correcting themselves, creating anomalies in the supernatural plane.

"So what do we do then?" said Alicia. "Burn the contract?"

"No, you can't burn it," said Adam Baldwin. "You've got to find the loophole."

"Loophole?" said Conner.

"Yeah, there's a loophole in every contract. I guess it's one of the rules to these things. However, The Devil, tricky as he is, always hides it. It's not visible to the signee, only us, those who can see the supernatural. Here, apparently Seacrest also requested a clause, probably suggested by Satan himself."

"Soooo… The Devil was helping him?" asked Alicia.

"Sometimes when a target is hesitant, The Devil will sweeten the pot, give up some little trick or secret that will make the deal irresistible. It says here that Seacrest can't age the extra hours each night that he's awake. Sleeping rejuvenates the body. I'm guessing The Devil told him that not sleeping would age him faster, and he'd add a clause so that he wouldn't be burdened with the extra age, as it's written here. It probably put Seacrest over the edge, convinced him. Says here, the extra age, which should appear on Seacrest, would instead appear on a portrait of Seacrest, painted by The Devil himself.

"One may asuume, then, that if the painting was to be destroyed, Seacrest would regain the years he cheated, and thus the contract would be broken."

"How much time do we have?" asked Conner.

"Days? Seconds? You never know with these things," said Adam Baldwin.

"Seacrest is _not_ going to like this," said Reagan.

"Whatever," said Adam Baldwin. "I don't have time for his nancy-boy concerns. I need to find that painting. Smart guy, where would a famous TV slash radio personality keep his most valuable possession?"

Gene thinks about it a moment.

"A TV slash radio personality you say?" said Gene. "It represents an uglier, aged version of himself? I'd say it'd be under a dust sheet, haphazardly discarded in the attic."

"Wait here," said Adam Baldwin as he headed toward the door.

"We're coming with you," said Conner.

Adam Baldwin stopped and turned around. He was huge.

"Sit down," said Adam Baldwin, firmly. "You have no idea what's going to be up there. You think The Devil's just going to let some ordinary human being go up and slash that canvas in half? I can't tell you what kind of fiends will be guarding that painting, but whatever it is, you haven't the tools nor the experience to deal with it. Wait here."

Adam Baldwin exits the room, the gang all stays in the library a moment, two moments, three moments – at once they all walked out after Adam Baldwin.

"The air was thick with dust," said John, as the gang stepped into attic.

"Shut up," said Reagan.

"Charming," said Claire.

"What are you his girlfriend now?" said Reagan.

"No!" Claire exclaimed defensively.

John held back after that. The "No!" sounded all too desperate to him. Maybe he had a chance. He smiled to himself. Progress.

Eventually the gang caught up with Adam Baldwin.

"I thought I told you kids to stay put!" Adam Baldwin shouted.

"Hey, you guys," said John. "John Casey just yelled at us!"

"No, no, guys," said Reagan. "Jayne Cobb just yelled at us!"

"Yeah," they all said at intervals.

Adam Baldwin rolled his eyes.

"Stop!" said Adam Baldwin.

Echoing through the attic rang the sound of footsteps. They were slow, unconcerned with the gang's presence. They turned toward the sound. Out of the darkness stepped a tall, thin man in a black suit and tie. He held a cane in one hand; a small pouch was tied to his belt.

Adam Baldwin dug into his pockets and drew out a set of WWII era goggles.

"What are those for?" said Conner.

"Hide your eyes!" Adam Baldwin shouted.

"What? Why?" said Conner, now a little nervous.

"It's The Sandman."

"What's he going to do?" said Claire. "Put us to sleep?"

"Some do," said Adam Baldwin. "The sand this one carries plucks your eyes out. Then he feeds them to his children in his iron nest on the moon."

"What?" said Claire.

"Just cover your eyes," said Adam Baldwin.

Everyone covered their eyes.

The Sandman walked slowly around the gang.

"Many children have shielded themselves from my sand," he said in a measured, deliberate tone. "Not one has managed to keep their eyes."

Gene peered around the room between scissored fingers. An hourglass. A sack of marbles. He slipped behind some old furniture and went to work.

"I can smell your fear," said The Sandman.

Adam Baldwin went to attack, but the Sandman floored him with one stroke of his cane. He bent down a moment to tear the goggles from Adam Baldwin's eyes, and rose up again.

"You will lose your eyes last," he said. "You may watch your friends writhe in pain first."

He turned to Alicia.

"You are the weakest," said the Sandman. "I will take pity on you. You shall lose your eyes first."

Gene snuck up behind him and plucked the pouch from his belt. He held out the other pouch as if it had been the one plucked. The sandman turned and casually took up the fake pouch.

"Thank you," said The Sandman. "I was just reaching for that."

He took a pinch and threw it at Alicia. A moment passed. Another moment. Alicia removed her hands. Nothing. Her eyes were fine. The sandman looked curiously at the girl. Then at the bag. Then at Gene. Gene dashed a handful of sand into The Sandman's eyes. The Sandman shrieked in pain, his hand shot up to his face, but it was too late. As if they had nothing at all holding them in place, The Sandman's eyes fell from their sockets to the ground.

The girls all screamed.

Adam Baldwin shook off the blow from the cane, stood, picked The Sandman up, and threw him out the window.

From the attic, the gang could see The Sandman, still moving. He finally crawled to his feet and stumbled away.

The gang all took a breath.

"Now," said Adam Baldwin. "Where's that painting."

"What's going on here?" shouted a voice from the attic door.

The gang looked over. It was Ryan Seacrest.

"What are you all doing in my house?" he continued.

"Don't mind us," said Adam Baldwin. "We're just looking for a painting."

Ryan Seacrest's eyes widened.

"Painting? What Painting."

"Here it is," cried Gene, as he threw off a dust cover.

"Um…" Ryan Seacrest hesitated. "Listen, uh, what exactly do you want with that painting?"

"We're going to save your soul, kid," said Adam Baldwin.

"Well, uh, how do you propose to do that exactly?"

"I'm going to stick this knife in it."

Adam Baldwin drew a huge Bowie knife from his belt. Ryan Seacrest jumped in front of Adam Baldwin.

"Listen, pal," said Ryan Seacrest. "I don't know you, but I'm begging you. Don't destroy that painting. I'll pay you. I'll do anything you want. I'm famous."

Adam Baldwin just rolled his eyes.

"Someone get the hair and teeth out of my way."

"Why do you want to destroy it, anyway?" said Ryan. "What's it got to do with you?"

"You haven't noticed the time fluctuations? Your contract is about to expire. You're headed to Hell, kid. Now step out of the way."

"Better to leave a good-looking corpse, I say," said Ryan Seacrest.

The sound of a tear came from over toward the painting. They turned. There stood John, a Swiss Army Knife in his hand.

"McGyver fan gave it to me," said John.

The painting was slashed through, from one corner to the other.

"No!" screamed Ryan Seacrest.

He fell to his knees. The gang watched as he crawled across the floor to an old mirror. He dusted it off and slowly took his hand from his face.

"No!" he screamed again. "What have you done? I'm hideous! Hideous!"

The gang walked over, afraid of what they would see, and gazed upon the face of Ryan Seacrest.

"He looks exactly the same," said Claire.

As the gang left the house, Ryan Seacrest's screams could still be heard, muted only a little by the walls of the attic. The temporal disturbances had stopped. They headed home. They had to get up early after all. It was a school night.

The next day there seemed to be a lull in supernatural activity. It was just another typical school day. John and Gene sat alone at lunch, Claire and Alicia ate in the school library with the other bookworms, and Reagan took her seat at "the cool kids'" table.

After school, Reagan went to cheerleading practice, Claire and Alicia went to work at the school newspaper, and John and Gene went to Sci-fi club. Today they were all going to watch Attack of the Clones. It was the third day of a Star Wars marathon, ending with Return of the Jedi. On alternating days they would watch, and then discuss.

They we well engrossed in their film when, toward the end, Princess Amidala's ship, on Tatooine, was blasted, and Amidala fell through the screen into the classroom.

John and Gene shot glances at each other, eyes wide, then back at Amidala. She jumped to her feet, drew her phaser and swung about, looking for the enemy. There were just students, and they didn't seem to notice her.

"Where am I?" she asked.


	3. Natalie Portman

The bell rang and the halls filled with students. It was the end of the day at Bayside High. John and Gene ran to their lockers. They had SciFi Club after school. Today they were all going to watch Attack of the Clones. It was the third day of a Star Wars marathon, ending with Return of the Jedi. On alternating days they would watch, and then discuss.

From down the hall walked "the cool kids," senior guys in their letterman's jackets with the hottest girls in the school. Casey Grimm was their leader, and the most feared bully in school. The annoying thing about Casey was that he was not the oafish brute one ordinarily associates with bullies. He was a straight-A student, charismatic and good-looking. He had a Ferris Bueller quality to him, and you just knew he was going to be super successful with a super hot wife by the time he was thirty.

John and Gene lowered their heads as the cool kids passed. Gene peeked over for a quick instant, however, and caught a glimpse of Reagan.

"Hey, Reagan!" he said, his face suddenly lit up, hand in the air.

John groaned.

Before Reagan could say anything, Casey Grimm was standing in front of Gene.

"Hey guys," said Grimm. "Reagan's got cheerleading practice. She can't talk right now, but I'm not busy. I can hang. Is that cool?"

"My suspicion, Casey," said Gene, "is that you don't actually want to spend time with us, but are rather setting us up for some form of humiliation."

"That's right," said Casey. "But seriously, man, why do you have to talk like that? It's so awkward. If you're going to call me out on that stuff do it in a way that doesn't make you look like such a loser."

Casey then pushed Gene into the lockers.

"Whoa!" said John, jumping between the two. "Come on, Casey. Gene didn't mean anything." Casey stood very close to John as he explained, looking him up and down. "He was just saying 'hi' to Reagan because we all ran into each other outside of school a few weeks ago and we kind of became friends. No big deal. Just saying hi to a friend. No big deal."

Casey looked over at Reagan quizzically, half smiling.

"Is this true? You guys are friends?"

Reagan's glance turned from Casey to John and Gene. They were full of fear and desperation. Reagan hesitated a moment, and then laughed.

"Well, we did run into each other outside of school," she said. "But I don't get why he would think we're friends. I don't hang out with guys that dress up like characters from the Twilight movies."

The cool kids all looked at John, and then burst out laughing.

"Wait," said Casey. "Is that why your hair is always like that? That's hilarious!"

The cool kids laughed more and more. The most offensive part was that most of them were forcing their laughs. They didn't really think it was _that_ funny, they just wanted to laugh. They just wanted to be mean.

John looked at Reagan with disbelief. His heart broke a little. He never had any illusions about being her boyfriend or anything like that, but he'd had some misplaced hope of friendship.

At the other end of the school, Conner was getting out of his XKR-S. He was dressed in a suit and tie, sans trench coat. He looked down at his little back Moleskine notebook. "The Principal's Office" hadn't been mapped out for him, and it was a good-sized school. He took a stab at walking through the front doors. As he passed by the flagpole, however, he stopped. There was something odd about it. John and Gene were Saran wrapped to the base. Conner walked over.

"What happened to you guys?"

"Casey Grimm," said John. "School bully."

Conner reached into John's front pocket.

"Getting a little familiar aren't we, Conner?" said John, a bit surprised.

Conner pulled out John's Swiss Army Knife and cut the boys free.

"What are you doing here?" asked John.

"I'll tell you later," said Conner. "You guys better get home."

"We're late for Sci-fi club," said John. "We'll call you after."

By the time John and Gene got to Sci-fi club, Attack of the Clones was half over. They were bummed, but the movie was better than they'd remembered, so that was something. They we well engrossed when, toward the end, Princess Amidala's ship, on Tatooine, was blasted, and Amidala fell through the screen into the classroom.

John and Gene shot glances at each other, eyes wide, then back at Amidala. She jumped to her feet, drew her blaster and swung about, looking for the enemy. There were just students, and they didn't seem to notice her.

"Where am I?" she asked.

No one answered. She walked around and snapped her fingers before the faces of the students. No response.

With a curious expression she left the classroom. The students _did _notice the door open, but they dismissed it and turned back to the movie.

John's and Gene's jaws were on the floor. They exchanged glances again, then, at once, they scrambled after the princess.

"Princess!" shouted Gene.

She was at the end of the hall by now, running, looking for a way back to Tatooine, no doubt.

Conner was in the principal's office now, laughing at some clever thing or another that he'd said, when Amidala shot past him and out the front doors of the school.

"Did you see that?" Conner declared as he shot to his feet.

"See what?" said the principal.

"Listen," said Conner, "I have run, like, right this second. I hope this doesn't ruin what we're trying to do here."

"Not at all," said the principal. "I'll call you first thing…"

Before he could finish, Conner had raced out the door after Amidala. The principal shrugged and reopened Facebook.

As Conner ran out to the street, John and Gene caught up with him. They talked while they walked.

"Did you see that?" he asked.

"We were watching Attack of The Clones and she just fell out of the screen!" said John. "Why couldn't that have happened the other night when I was watching The Darjeeling Limited?"

"That was out loud," said Conner. He then turned to Gene. "Is this a big supernatural anomaly or a small one?"

"By my estimation it would have to be a big one," said Gene. "It would take a significant amount of psychokinetic energy to bring a fictional character out into the real world. My guess is that the anomaly is particular to this character for some reason. Perhaps the fans were so focused on Natalie Portman's character that their imaginations, boosted by a massive supernatural anomaly, materialized the character as they were watching."

"John, text the girls," said Conner. "We'll need them to help us find Amidala."

John broke out his phone and sent the text. But it wasn't necessary. As soon as it was sent Amidala jumped out behind them, blaster drawn.

"Hold it right there," she said.

John and Gene threw their hands up. Conner turned casually toward Amidala, a little more swagger in his step than usual.

"Alright, princess, take it easy," he said, taking a step forward.

Amidala blasted him, knocking him off his feet and laying him out on his back.

John and Gene were both shocked.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed John.

"Turn around, slowly." Amidala shouted at John and Gene, "He's only stunned." She adjusted her weapon. "Now, it's set to kill. Why are you looking for me?"

The guys didn't know what to say.

"Where is this place?" said Amidala.

"This is Earth," said Gene. "My name's Gene. You've been transported to our galaxy because of a supernatural anomaly."

Amidala's clearly did not comprehend this.

"A disturbance in The Force," said John.

"That can't happen," Amidala protested, raising her blaster.

"Yes, it can," John insisted, his voice quivering. "In this galaxy, some bind their spirits to the Dark Side in exchange for things that they want, when their life nears its end, they create anomalies in The Force. A lot of strange and powerful things can happen. In this case, you were transported here."

"Well said!" John exclaimed.

"Thanks," said John.

Conner sat up. He shook his head and blinked a lot as he came to.

"One cannot make deals with the Dark Side," said Amidala.

"One can make deals with the Sith," said Gene. "And this is the darkest Sith lord of all. The Sith lord that all others answer to. The source of the Dark Side."

Amidala's eyes grew wide. She was not expecting to hear that. But she quickly regained herself.

"You still haven't told me why you're following me."

"We think you can help us," said Gene. "You have a counterpart here in this world, a doppelganger. It's my suspicion that this woman is the cause of the disturbance in The Force."

"Really?" said John.

"Yeah," said Gene. He turned back to Amidala. "We can free her from her contract with the Sith, but we need your help."

"Sounds good to me," said Conner. "What do you say your worship, you in?"

"Your worship?" said John, "tad disrespectful."

"I don't know why I said that," said Conner.

Amidala lowered her blaster.

"Yes," she said.

John's phone rang. It was Reagan.

A half-hour later, the gang was all at the house of Conner's buddy, Tim, from Junior High. Tim was the biggest Star Wars fan Conner had ever known. Primarily, he was a Vader fan. His Vader costume was the most authentic in LA, maybe in the entire country. More importantly, Tim was a research wizard. As he scoured the web, he sat at his computer in full Vader regalia. Amidala, being a pre-episode III character, knew nothing of Vader, so there were no misunderstandings to deal with.

It took Tim ten minutes to locate Natalie Portman. She was shooting a movie on soundstage 28 of the Universal lot.

"Thanks Tim," said Conner as the gang ran out the door.

"Hold on," said Tim. "How are you guys going to get on the lot?"

"I don't know," said Conner. "I thought maybe we'd take the tour and just sneak off the tram."

"I'm coming with you," said Tim.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," said Conner.

"You want on the lot?" said Tim. "My cousin works there."

Conner smiled.

"Welcome to the team," he said, patting his old friend on the shoulder. "But let's lose the Vader costume, eh?"

"I'm wearing the costume," said Tim.

Conner just stood there a moment, smiling, not sure what to say.

"Fantastic," he said finally.

As they sped toward the highway, things were pretty normal. Amidala was the only sign of the anomaly. But as they drew closer to the Universal lot, they passed a Bantha, then a tribe of Jawas repairing a Sandcrawler. More and more aliens and machines appeared until eventually there was as much of the Star Wars universe as there was of our own.

Conner turned from Cahuenga onto Universal Studios Blvd and slowed. The place was crawling with Storm Troopers. As he approached the lot, he stopped. There was a checkpoint. Conner took a deep breath.

"Universal Studios," said John from the passenger's seat, "you won't ever find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."

"What?" said Conner.

"What?" said John.

Conner just shook his head.

"It's fine," said John. "Keep driving."

"Keep driving?" said Conner. "What about her?"

Amidala was sat in the back of Conner's XKR-S.

"It's fine," said John. "Keep driving."

Conner took another deep breath and rolled the car forward.

As they approached the checkpoint, the stormtroopers waved them down. Conner rolled down his window.

"Let me see your identification," said a stormtrooper.

"You don't need to see his identification," said John.

"We don't need to see his identification," said the stormtrooper.

"He can go about his business," said Conner.

"You can go about your business," said the stormtrooper.

"Move along," said John, to Conner.

"Move along," said the stormtrooper. "Move along."

Conner rolled up his window and drove on toward the Universal parking garage.

"How did you do that?" said Conner.

"I have no idea," said John.

In the parking garage Conner pulled an old blanket out of the trunk for Amidala that he ordinarily used for picnics with girls on the few occasions he was able to land a date. They wrapped the princess up like an old woman and carried on toward the studio lot.

Tim's cousin had come through, and getting in was no problem. They'd all been issued passes onto the lot. Inside, though, the place was crawling with stormtroopers. The sky was dark with TIE fighters, buzzing back and forth like flocks of birds.

"Look there," said Gene, pointing at what looked like a white ghostly image of a crescent moon, the image of the moon one sometimes sees in the middle of the day.

But it wasn't the moon, it was the Death Star. It was unfinished, as it was in Return of the Jedi, somehow making it all the more ominous. Conner took another deep breath.

"There," said Claire. "Stage 28."

The gang moved toward Stage 28. Curiously, it was little guarded. There was just one Universal Security guard at the door.

"Wait here," said Conner, still dressed in his suit and tie from the morning. "Amidala, you come with me."

Conner walked toward the guard and gave him a quick nod. The guard opened the door for him and he and Amidala walked on in.

The stage was quiet. The cast and crew must have wrapped for the day. Either that or they were eating or something. He started to explore. It was a period piece, medieval. The set was incredible. He felt like he was really in a 13th century castle.

Then he heard a door open above him. He looked up. On a platform above the set there she was, walking from out one door, across the platform, and into another door, Natalie Portman.

Conner and Amidala rushed up the stairs. They threw the door open. Natalie Portman was lying on a couch reading. She shot up.

"Oh, man!" she said, after a breath. "You scared me."

Conner just looked at her, not sure of what to say. Natalie Portman looked side to side, confused.

"Do you need something?" said Natalie Portman.

"I need to see the contract," said Conner.

"Sorry?"

"You have a contract. You made a deal with The Devil. I need to see it."

Natalie Portman laughed.

"Are they doing, like, a reboot of Punk'd or something?"

Conner then gestured for Amidala to step forward. She walked toward Natalie Portman and took off the blanket.

"What?" said Natalie Portman.

"Are you seriously asking that?" said Conner. "It's you!"

"What are you talking about?" said Natalie Portman.

Gene then walked past Conner and Amidala. Conner and Amidala turned. The whole gang was there.

"The guard stepped away to answer his phone," said Reagan. "We slipped in when his back was turned."

Gene stood before Natalie Portman and clapped his hands in front of her face. She recoiled.

"What are you doing?" shouted Natalie Portman.

"You do it," said Gene to Amidala.

Amidala went to Natalie Portman and clapped as Gene had. Natalie didn't flinch. She didn't even blink.

"Just as I'd suspected," said Gene. "It's not her."

"What are you guys talking about?" said Tim.

"Who then?" said Conner.

"I think I know," said Natalie Portman.


End file.
